The hardest part of being 42 is the day in and day out of life in a rut.
I am trying to end in 2008 the get up, go to work, come home and go to bed routine.....
I miss my kids when they are not here and can't think up things that don't require a PHD. in computer games to entertain.....
Then there is my walk with GOD?
I believe in him and creationism at the same time.
I want to feel like my friends do about there relationship with him......
I want to listen to Christian music and like it.... I am trying.
Maybe it's the way God was rammed down my throat as a pre-teen? Mom's can help but sometime they go to far..... Maybe?
I want to be the responsible adult. The Father's everyone looks to as a role model.
I went to church every Wednesday and Sunday before my divorce. I was involved in my Sunday school class and was learning things I didn't know.
Now I have a hard time getting up on Sunday's to do anything.
I feel guilty about not being a role model for my kids and my step-kids as well.
I try to talk the talk but am failing at walking the walk or even finding the path again...
I am semi-active in 2 different churchs for different reasons.
I sometimes even feel empty inside. Even when I shouldn't...
I do talk to God daily. Many time a day....
I even thought once maybe I was like Job and I was being tested.
I even tried to track down girls I hurt dating just to say I was sorry for being a jerk.......
Am I paying for my sins?
I have had some may gifts given me that were forks in the road I often wonder did I choose the gift from God or take the Gift from the Devil and go dawn the wrong path?
I've done things I'm ashamed of but I think I have done allot to be proud of as well.
I'm not a good manager of time and equally as poor with money....
I used to think of myself as the patron saint of losers & lost causes.
But I've learned allot of lessons from people that I could not have learned on my own.
My life I guess is a jungle with many paths.
Sometimes I'm on the path and sometimes for no reason I just turn and walk into the Bush without my compass.
The good thing I guess is I now how to find the Son!
So Here I Walk............
2 comments:
Hey Steve- we all feel like that sometimes...remember, it's a race, and it doesn't end until He returns! He also said this world was not our home, so it wouldn't be easy. The fact that you recognize all these things and want more is what COUNTS. We are not perfect, just forgiven, and EVERYday we have to keep reaching for the prize. Paul, too, said he was the worst of sinners (killing Christians), yet GOD chose HIM to spread Christianity! So if you ask for God's power and ask Him to fill you with His spirit each day to do what only HE can do through you, He'll do it! Don't give up. And don't be so hard on yourself.
Hey, Bro!
A couple of random thoughts about your random thoughts. First of all, good luck with the Christian music. Ann likes it; I tolerate it when I'm in her car. Except when I'm the one doing the singing (at church) that genre is far from uplifting, for me. On God and creation/evolution, I always say that I BELIEVE the whole Bible, but have no clue how to explain the first 12 chapters of Genesis or most of Ezekeiel, Daniel, and Revelation. Eventually we all have to develop our own faith, which may or may not be related to what our parents taught (or TRIED to teach) us. You mention Sunday AM as being a problem, as is time management. But one of the key rules of time management is the idea of being PROACTIVE. You can do what you decide to do. And if you make the same decision for a month or so, it'll become habit. You could choose to make formal relgious observance (church) a habit, and just do it until it feels OK. Think about it--you get up and make it to work on time, every day. You may not always feel like it, but it's just what you do. And on top of that, don't mistake the formal stuff (like church) for the relationship with God which is the heart of faith. The formal has its place, but the relationship is what really counts. So long as you're still seeking the path, you're getting the big picture. I often feel like I'm just faking it in a spiritual sense--here I am the deacon and Sunday-school teacher who can't even make himself pray consistently. But plugging along, and showing love even when you don't feel that loving is how strong relationships are formed. After all, that's how you and I have managed to not lose touch over the last 20 years... we're sure not consistent, but we're constant. And that's a big deal. Don't sell yourself short--there are lots and lots of us out there in a similar rut!
PS-Got your message last night. Pretty cool that I have a couple of "birthday buddies." Sadly, my birthday weekend involves watching David play basketball Friday night and Saturday afternoon. However, if you guys were around, we might could grab dinner or something Saturday. It would be great to see you!
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